Marriage Minute: Saying “I’m sorry” is magical

We all make mistakes from time to time. When we do, saying “I’m sorry” is magical because it lets your partner know that you understand and respect them, which helps to bring you both closer together.

Try to be specific about why you’re apologizing, and try to explain how you felt when things went wrong:

I had been very stressed and irritable.
I hadn’t expressed much appreciation toward you.
I had been running on empty.

This will help your partner understand where you’re coming from. It will open you both up to calmly expressing what you need and how you feel.

The Marriage Minute From The Gottman Institute, dated 19 October 2017. You can sign up here to get The Marriage Minute delivered to your inbox every Tuesday and Thursday morning. 

Coping with Grief After a Loss

med-1044-depressionGrief is a reaction to a major loss. It can be triggered by the death of a loved one, but people can also experience grief if they have lost a job, experienced an end to a significant relationship, loss of personal property, an illness for which there is no cure, a chronic condition that affects their quality of life. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion, but it is a normal process that each person must move through. It is not something you get over or can bypass.

Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are common stages to the process of grieving. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss.

Shock, denial, disbelief, numbness. When you learn that you have lost, or may lose, someone you love, you may find the news hard to accept. Common thoughts include, “This can’t be happening” or “There must be some mistake.” The feeling of disbelief gives yourself some emotional breathing room and protects you from the full effect of the news when you are not ready to accept it.

Anger, blaming others. After you have begun to accept a loss, you may feel very angry. You may blame others or the person who died for the situation even if you know, realistically, that they are not responsible for it. Or, you may let out your frustration by becoming irritated easily or unintentionally doing things that hurt others. All of these feelings are normal. Anger can be a way of hiding your pain when you can’t or don’t know how to express your real feelings.

Bargaining and guilt. Even if you know there is little or no hope for a recovery, you may tell yourself you can do something to solve the problem. You may try to make a deal with the doctors, God, or yourself, promising to make changes if the situation will go away. You may have thoughts like, “I’ll never become angry with my partner or child again if only the cancer goes away.” It’s normal to go over past actions and think, “If only I had done this . . .” Many people also feel a sense of guilt or responsibility that fosters the belief that they can still or should have somehow changed things.

Depressed mood, sadness, and crying. At some point, you will feel the full impact of the loss, and begin to understand what it will mean to go through life without someone you love or whatever you may have lost. At this stage, you may feel very sad and perhaps allow yourself to cry for the first time. Feelings like these usually mean that you are closer to the end of the grief process.

Acceptance, coming to terms. At the final stage of grief, you accept your loss even though you still don’t like this fact. You forgive yourself and others and, perhaps for the first time, may feel a sense of peace about the loss. You may still feel sad, but you have stopped trying to fight reality. You may be able to clean out the room of the person who died or participate again in some of the activities you enjoyed together. At this stage, people often think about trying to find an enduring way to pay tribute to the life of someone who has died.

People’s responses to grief will be different, depending on the circumstances of the event that is causing the grief symptoms. Not everyone goes through all of the stages of grief, or experiences them in the same order and you may also go through a stage more than once. At some point you may think you have moved beyond depression, but you may feel sad again on a holiday or an anniversary. Or, you may get angry when you have to handle alone the everyday difficulties that you used share. Experiences like these are normal.

The grief process can’t be rushed and shouldn’t be. It’s important to let yourself feel the pain and most people find that over time the intensity of the pain will decrease. Even if one denies their pain of a loss, the grief still exists. If it does not affect them at this moment, it will eventually erupt in some way, maybe at an inappropriate moment or during another traumatic event. Most professionals suggest that it is always better to admit our strong feelings about a situation, to feel them, and to move through the grieving process in order to move beyond the event.

It is important to know that grieving is an important, normal, and healthy response to loss. If you feel overwhelmed or very sad for much longer than other people in similar situations, or if you continue to have trouble eating, sleeping, or enjoying life, you may want to talk with a therapist, social worker, or chaplain.

Things You Can Control in Your Relationship

012413-Unmarried-Couple-600You can’t control your partner’s actions, but you can control your own.

Focus on the things that are within your power.

Here is short list of some of the things that are withing your power when it comes to your relationship:

  • Your Attitude
  • Your Thoughts
  • How kind you are
  • How well you listen
  • How honest you are
  • How often you say “thank you”
  • Who you spend your time with
  • How you express your feelings
  • The amount of effort you put forth
  • How much time you spend worrying
  • Whether or not you try again after a setback

Empathy vs Sympathy

Empathy is listening, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “You’re not alone.”

Ever wondered what the difference is between empathy and sympathy? Brené Brown explains it best.

The Gottman Ratio: how to predict the success of your relationship

happy-couple-heart-hands-759x500Maintaining a relationship takes continuous effort. The good thing is that it seems that this process is biased towards positive experiences for both partners. Through decades of research, Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Silver and their colleagues have found that when partners respond to each other positively for the majority of the time, they tend to have happy, healthy relationships.

Read more about positive and negative interactions and how to create positive interactions at BrainFodder.org.

Study: Snack might help avoid fight with spouse

SnickersAdMaybe the 2011 Superbowl commercial from Snickers had a point that “You are not you when you’re hungry.” A study out of Ohio State University proposed that low blood sugar can make spouses touchy and a snack could prevent major fights between husbands and wives. Psychology researcher Brad Bushman stated that it can make them “hangry,” a combination of hungry and angry.

“We need glucose for self-control,” said Bushman, lead author of the study, which was released Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. “Anger is the emotion that most people have difficulty controlling.”

The researchers studied 107 married couples for three weeks. Each night, they measured their levels of the blood sugar glucose and asked each participant to stick pins in a voodoo doll representing his or her spouse. That indicated levels of aggressive feelings.

The researchers found that…Read the full story on the AP website.

Whose Your Wingman? Who Are You a Wingman For?

Miami Dolphins scandal has lessons for Service members

Commentary by Col. Quinn Gummel
9th Reconnaissance Wing vice commander
Source: http://www.acc.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123370761

11/14/2013 – BEALE AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. — Last week, Jonathan Martin, an offensive lineman on the Miami Dolphins football team, walked out and quit the team due to a perceived hostile work environment, allegedly characterized by demeaning, racially-biased communications and financial extortion by at least one team captain, and other senior members of the team. Though a lot of details are yet unknown, the events thus far are sufficient to provide a lesson for our own military community.

Like a professional sports team, our Air Force is comprised of motivated people, held to a high threshold of performance, where teamwork is essential to success. How does a professional athlete, who has passed so many hurdles, and is presumably fulfilling a dream to participate at the height of his profession suddenly up and quit? We might ask ourselves what would drive a dedicated and professionally fulfilled Airman, proudly serving our nation, to become similarly disenchanted.

Let’s start at the top. Like a Head Coach or General Manager, commanders…

Click here to read the rest of Col. Gummel’s Commentary