Relationship Minute: Couching the critic

If a child showed you their artwork, how harshly would you critique it?

That’s not what a whale looks like.
Spiders have eight legs, not five and a half.
That’s ugly and looks nothing like me.

You would probably encourage them. If you kept up the criticism, the child would eventually stop showing you their art, or stop drawing altogether.

Do you show the same encouragement to your partner?

No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired. Your partner won’t make use of your constructive criticism if there’s not a surrounding climate of admiration and respect,” Psychologist Harriet Lerner cautions.

In fact, we believe there is no such thing as constructive criticism in a relationship. All criticism is painful.

Continuing to meet your partner’s bids with criticism may cause them to stop sharing their life with you.

So couch the critic.

 

Related blog posts

The Relationship Minute from The Gottman Institute, dated 5 September 2019. You can sign up here to get it delivered to your inbox every Tuesday and Thursday morning. 

Leave a Comment

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.