When your partner is upset with you, your first reaction may be to defend yourself.

But here’s the thing: even if you think they’re being unreasonable, they’re still upset. And that’s worth digging into.

It’s almost always about something deeper. Explore that. Breathe, listen, and ask questions. Seek to understand their position.

They’ll feel heard, de-escalate, and you’ll both have a better understanding of what caused them to get upset. They may even apologize if they said something unkind.

And besides, nobody has ever calmed down after being told to calm down.

• The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness
• How to Listen Without Getting Defensive
• D is for Defensiveness

The Relationship Minute From The Gottman Institute, dated 25 June 2019. You can sign up here to get it delivered to your inbox every Tuesday and Thursday morning.