A sudden death can be a shock and deep loss to any of us, both in our personal lives, and in the workplace. When a co-worker, dies suddenly, our productivity and the dynamics of our work place are greatly affected. We probably have spent many hours with that person, and consider him/her not just a co-worker, but also a friend.

With the death of a co-worker, often we do not think of them ever leaving unless it is to retire or take another position. The death can touch peoples’ feelings about their work and workplace, their own lives, and their own fears about death and dying. People who work together can become like extended family, and when they suffer a loss, friends and co-workers grieve. When the death is unexpected, as from violence, accident, suicide or sudden terminal illness, it can be even more traumatic to the co-workers who did not have a chance to say good-bye.

The following are some suggestions that may help you through this difficult time:

The Grieving Process -

Feelings and symptoms of grief can take weeks, months, and even years to individually process. We do not follow or heal according to a timetable, but over time our emotions do ease. The brief time given to attend the memorial and funeral only touches on the beginning stages of grief. The feelings and symptoms can be different for each of us. They may include: shock, denial, anger, guilt, anxiety, sleep disorders, exhaustion, overwhelming sadness, and problems with concentration.

Some outcomes of grief may include: 1) finding a new balance (which doesn’t necessarily mean that things will ever be the same), and 2) growth (which means readiness to move ahead with one’s life). Most of the time we feel several of these emotions at the same time, but in varying degrees.

Eventually each phase is completed and we move ahead. The extent, depth and duration will depend on how close we were to the deceased, the circumstances of the death, and our own situation and losses that we have experienced.

Some things you might do:

• Attend the funeral or memorial service – This gives you a chance to say good-bye and offer condolences to the family.
• Conduct a work-place only event – A luncheon or office memorial is a chance for co-workers to acknowledge their unique relationship with the deceased.
• Create a memorial – A photo, card, or special item the person kept on his/her desk might be a way to remember. Or you might consider putting up a plaque or picture of the deceased in an area as a remembrance. Depending on space and the situation, planting a tree at the work-site can also be done.
• Hold or participate in some type of collection- This can be done for a special cause or for the family/children of the deceased, if appropriate.
• Create a book of memories – This can be given to the family as a way to let them know of their loved one’s work life. These can become unique memories for the family, and a way for you to privately express feelings and memories. It is also a helpful way of letting them know their loved one was a valued employee and is missed.

What to expect:

• People experience grief differently – You or your co-worker who was particularly close to the person who died, may feel depressed, absent-minded, short-tempered, or exhausted. These are all normal feelings.
• Creating healthy memories is part of healing – Some people find talking about the deceased helps them manage their grief. Others keep to themselves. Respect the fact that others may feel the loss more or less strongly than you, or tend to cope differently.
• A death generates questions and fears about our own mortality – If a co-worker dies, we may feel guilty or angry at that person, at life, or at the medical profession. It may cause you to question your own life and how temporary life is with those we love. These are all normal reactions and emotions.
• Be aware of how you may react to a deceased co-worker’s replacement or even clearing their work area – Your anger and disappointment at his/her performance, personality or work style, may be less about the individual than your grief about the person they are replacing. Clearing the work area is a policy matter that management must adhere to and not about trying to erase the person’s memory too quickly.

Seek help – Be aware that there may be times when talking to a trained professional might be helpful, especially if you are having ongoing difficulty dealing with the loss or if your work performance is suffering. This can be a signal that this loss or others are affecting you more profoundly than you thought.

Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It can be triggered by the death of a loved one, but people can also experience grief if they have lost a job, experienced an end to a significant relationship, loss of personal property, an illness for which there is no cure, a chronic condition that affects their quality of life. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion, but it is a normal process that each person must move through. It is not something you get over or can bypass.

Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are common stages to the process of grieving. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss.

Shock, denial, disbelief, numbness. When you learn that you have lost, or may lose, someone you love, you may find the news hard to accept. Common thoughts include, “This can’t be happening” or “There must be some mistake.” The feeling of disbelief gives yourself some emotional breathing room and protects you from the full effect of the news when you are not ready to accept it.

Anger, blaming others. After you have begun to accept a loss, you may feel very angry. You may blame others or the person who died for the situation even if you know, realistically, that they are not responsible for it. Or, you may let out your frustration by becoming irritated easily or unintentionally doing things that hurt others. All of these feelings are normal. Anger can be a way of hiding your pain when you can’t or don’t know how to express your real feelings.

Bargaining and guilt. Even if you know there is little or no hope for a recovery, you may tell yourself you can do something to solve the problem. You may try to make a deal with the doctors, God, or yourself, promising to make changes if the situation will go away. You may have thoughts like, “I’ll never become angry with my partner or child again if only the cancer goes away.” It’s normal to go over past actions and think, “If only I had done this . . .” Many people also feel a sense of guilt or responsibility that fosters the belief that they can still or should have somehow changed things.

Depressed mood, sadness, and crying. At some point, you will feel the full impact of the loss, and begin to understand what it will mean to go through life without someone you love or whatever you may have lost. At this stage, you may feel very sad and perhaps allow yourself to cry for the first time. Feelings like these usually mean that you are closer to the end of the grief process.

Acceptance, coming to terms. At the final stage of grief, you accept your loss even though you still don’t like this fact. You forgive yourself and others and, perhaps for the first time, may feel a sense of peace about the loss. You may still feel sad, but you have stopped trying to fight reality. You may be able to clean out the room of the person who died or participate again in some of the activities you enjoyed together. At this stage, people often think about trying to find an enduring way to pay tribute to the life of someone who has died.

People’s responses to grief will be different, depending on the circumstances of the event that is causing the grief symptoms. Not everyone goes through all of the stages of grief, or experiences them in the same order and you may also go through a stage more than once. At some point you may think you have moved beyond depression, but you may feel sad again on a holiday or an anniversary. Or, you may get angry when you have to handle alone the everyday difficulties that you used share. Experiences like these are normal.

The grief process can’t be rushed and shouldn’t be. It’s important to let yourself feel the pain and most people find that over time the intensity of the pain will decrease. Even if one denies their pain of a loss, the grief still exists. If it does not affect them at this moment, it will eventually erupt in some way, maybe at an inappropriate moment or during another traumatic event. Most professionals suggest that it is always better to admit our strong feelings about a situation, to feel them, and to move through the grieving process in order to move beyond the event.

It is important to know that grieving is an important, normal, and healthy response to loss. If you feel overwhelmed or very sad for much longer than other people in similar situations, or if you continue to have trouble eating, sleeping, or enjoying life, you may want to talk with a therapist, social worker, or chaplain.